George Gilbert’s Motivational Humor

“Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.” - Joanne Woodward

“For I’ve been born and I’ve been wed. All of man’s peril comes of bed.” - C.H. Webb, Dum Vivimus Vigilemus

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” - Rita Rudner “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.” - Mark Twain“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” - unknown quote“I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.“Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.” - Milton Berle “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” - Rita Rudner“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.” - Samuel Johnson “Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.” - Mae West“A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.” - Don Fraser “Marriage is a fine institution - but I’m not ready for an institution.” - Mae West“Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.” - Phyllis Diller“

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s eighth husband on her wedding night: I know what I’m supposed to do…I just have to figure out a way to make it interesting.” - many attributions

“A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.” – Kid Millions, 1934
  “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?” - Jerry Seinfeld

DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE  subbmitted by Erica Welsing 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”  –Author Unknown   2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and Keep away from children.” –Author Unknown 

“A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.” - Howard Scott

“I’m spending a year dead for tax reason.” – Douglas Adams

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“Only one thing is impossible for God: to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.” – Mark Twain

“The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege.” - Anonymous

“In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything.” – Harold Coffin

“The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you.” – Charles Dickens

“He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm.” – Don O’Shaughnessy

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.” – Rita Rudner

“If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn’t have a job if he was smarter.” Albert Grant

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
– Adrienne Gusoff 

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.
– Albert Einstein 

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.
– Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
– Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
– Anonymous 

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
– Cher   

Thank you Gloria for submitting these:

For People who think too seriously! 

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory.
5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. 99 Percent Of Lawyers Give The Rest A Bad Name.
7. I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They’re The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It’ll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21 If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Car Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-kinesis? Raise My Hand.
23 . Ok, So What’s The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You’re Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked
Something.
26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You’re In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn’t Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36 Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering ‘what
Happened?’
37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.
38. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear
Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield
 

“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.” - George Carlin
 

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.” – George Burns
 

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”  -Marty Feldman
 

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.” - Dick Cavett
 

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” - Mel Brooks
 

“I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.” - Henny Youngman
 

“You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.” - Rowan Atkinson
 

“I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.”
- Gilda Radner
 

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
- Oscar Wilde
 

“He’s too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.”
- Neil Simon
 

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
- Dean Martin

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.“ – D. Barry “Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.” – Calvin Coolidge 

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the Income Tax form” –Albert Einstein “I want to find out who this FICA guy is and how come he’s taking so much of my money.” – Professional Hockey Player 

“it would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required.” – Anonymous “The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.” – Sam Ewing 

“if you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead – if you strike oil.” J. Paul Getty  “Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.” - Herbert Hoover “I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes…” – Mark Twain

Abbott: Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third. Costello: That’s what I want to find out. – Lou Costello