Archive for June, 2006

Casual Friday - With Jokes Quotes and Anecdotes “June Weddings”

Friday, June 16th, 2006

“Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.” - Joanne Woodward


“For I’ve been born and I’ve been wed. All of man’s peril comes of bed.” - C.H. Webb, Dum Vivimus Vigilemus

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” - Rita Rudner “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.” - Mark Twain“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” - unknown quote“I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.“Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.” - Milton Berle “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” - Rita Rudner“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.” - Samuel Johnson “Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.” - Mae West“A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.” - Don Fraser “Marriage is a fine institution - but I’m not ready for an institution.” - Mae West“Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.” - Phyllis Diller“

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s eighth husband on her wedding night: I know what I’m supposed to do…I just have to figure out a way to make it interesting.” - many attributions

“A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.” – Kid Millions, 1934
  “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?” - Jerry Seinfeld


“Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.” – George Gilbert
 “When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.” – Anonymous


  “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”  - Henry Youngman
 “One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.” - Benjamin Franklin

Posted in Humor, Jokes, Quotes, Joke Quotes and Anecdotes, June Weddings, Marriage | No Comments »

Hecklers and Other Annoying Creatures

Thursday, June 15th, 2006

Avoid the temptation to give in to hecklers. Fortunately most speakers don’t have to contend with hecklers like comedians do. Nevertheless, every once in a while you might come across a heckler and if you do, resist the temptation to respond. I have seen professional comedians make this mistake. They respond to the heckler and then the heckler takes hat as his cue to continue and be part of the act. You have now become a double act and are no longer in control. You have lost the audience.

 

With speakers it may not always be a heckler. Your obstacle might be someone who monopolizes your presentation with questions after question and no one else is getting a chance to ask one. Make sure that you control the floor and ensure that everyone has the opportunity to ask questions.

Posted in Speaking, Professional Speaker, Speaking Tips, Humor Tips | No Comments »

Humor For the Middle of the Week

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE  subbmitted by Erica Welsing 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”  –Author Unknown   2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and Keep away from children.” –Author Unknown 

   3) “Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that.  It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”–Drew Carey 

  4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” –Jeff Foxworthy  5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” –Dave Barry  6) “Relationships are hard.  It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice.  There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”–Bob Ettinger  

7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’” –Paula Poundstone  8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study:  “Duh.” –Conan O’Brien   9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.” –Lynda Montgomery  10) “I think that’s how Chicago got started.  Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.  Let’s go west.’” –Richard Jeni 

    11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” –Johnny Carson   12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” –Paul Rodriguez 

   13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty 

and that’s the law.” –Jerry Seinfeld  14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?”–Warren Hutcherson   5) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”–Oscar Wilde   16) “Suppose you were an idiot … And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.”  –Mark Twain 

   17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can find Afghanistan.” –A. Whitney Brown 

 18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”  –Dave Barry 

 19) Do you know why they call it “PMS”?  Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken. –Unknown, presumed deceased

Posted in Humor, Jokes, Joke Quotes and Anecdotes | No Comments »

Don’t Overdue Humor When You Are On Stage

Tuesday, June 13th, 2006

I just watched a very funny video clip of Steve Martin on the Tonight Show. His routine was entitled “The Great Flydini.” He spoofed traditional magicians by making objects appear out of his pants; scarf’s, eggs, a lit cigarette, glass of wine, and even a telephone. The routine was funny because it was original, but also because Steve Martin didn’t overact the part of the magician. I like the humor of Steve Martin but he often goes too far and overacts when he is doing stand-up comedy.

His characters that he portrays on stage tend to be too ridiculous for me sometimes. I never could get into his “wild and crazy guy” routine, but “The Great Flydini” was brilliant because it was underplayed. He didn’t say one word during the four plus minutes he was on stage. He didn’t make any ridiculous facial expressions to kill the humor. He just acted like any bad magician performing.

When performing humor especially mocking a group of people it is important to get the mannerisms down. Usually if you nail the mannerisms you don’t have to try to be too funny. It will be. My parents made a very good living spoofing acrobats. They didn’t put acrobats down by overacting. They played their parts serious, and let their actions get the laughs. Had they overacted, the act wouldn’t have been believable and they would have only received a few laughs rather than the thunderous laughter that they received every night. They would have been recognized as a second class act and wouldn’t have played the top notch theatres of their time, like the London Palladium.

Many acrobats would complain that my parents didn’t do any tricks in their act. They would wonder why they were so popular and got top billing. The acrobats would say we do a triple axle or some impressive stunt and my parents didn’t do anything how come we have to open for them. Occasionally an act would insist on following my parents and they would always pay the price. After seeing my parents the audience wasn’t impressed with the other act.

Quite often comedians make the mistake of telegraphing the punchline. They start to overact, laugh, and do something that says to the audience I am trying to be funny. When you send that message out many times the audiences says you’re not funny by not laughing. When doing physical humor play it straight and let the situation be funny.

Posted in Humor, Speaking Tips, Steve Martin, The Tonight Show, Humor Tips | No Comments »

To Tease Or Not To Tease?

Monday, June 12th, 2006

We are told that teasing is wrong, but in reality everyone teases someone. Whether it’s a little adlib joke or a sophisticated practical joke everyone teases. Much of humor today is based on some form of tease. Making fun of someone or joking about somebody is a form of teasing. It is part of human nature. In school, boys will tease girls and girls will tease boys many times it is because one likes the other. Even though it is hurtful this is their way of trying to communicate to the one they like. When someone gets thrown out in a baseball game or fumbles the ball in a football game their teammates will tease the player. Have you ever reminded a friend of something embarrassing that they did? That is a form of teasing. I don’t know anyone who can honestly say they haven’t teased someone. It may be politically incorrect to say teasing is alright, but in reality we all do it.

If everyone teases rather than condemn “teasing” maybe we should put down rules to teasing.

  1. Don’t get too personal. Teasing someone about a physical challenge or an emotional situation, should probably be off limits.

  1. Don’t embarrass someone in front of a superior. This can undermine someone’s credibility and hurt their career chances.

  1. Refrain from personal embarrassing attacks in front of someone that person is trying to impress. Just because you might think its funny this could have an adverse affect on a relationship.

  1. Know when to stop. If you see the person you are targeting with your humor is getting upset stop. Why risk losing a friend over a joke. The joke might have been funny the first time, but after five or six times it gets old and can be hurtful.

  1. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you were targeted with a personal attack in the name of humor? We all know how hurtful a joke can be.

Poking fun at your friends is part of our human nature. In many cases its part of the bonding experience, a mild form of hazing. When that targeted person can laugh at himself they become part of the group.

I am not condemning “teasing” I am just reminding you to remember to not take “teasing” too far.

Posted in Motivational Humor, Personal Development, Teasing a Form of Humor? | No Comments »

Casual Friday - Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes. Business

Friday, June 9th, 2006

“A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.” - Howard Scott

“I’m spending a year dead for tax reason.” – Douglas Adams

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“Only one thing is impossible for God: to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.” – Mark Twain

“The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege.” - Anonymous

“In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything.” – Harold Coffin

“The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you.” – Charles Dickens

“He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm.” – Don O’Shaughnessy

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.” – Rita Rudner

“If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn’t have a job if he was smarter.” Albert Grant

Posted in Motivational Humor, Humor, Jokes, Quotes, Joke Quotes and Anecdotes, Business | No Comments »

Dress to Kill (With Laughter)

Thursday, June 8th, 2006

Many speakers today make the mistake of believing dress is not important. Not dressing appropriately can send a subtle message to the audience that they don’t matter. While you don’t want to be extremely over or under dressed, the norm for any speech is to dress just a little bit better than your audience. If you show up in casual attire to a black tie event, it shows a lack of respect for the audience who in turn is not going to respect you as a speaker.

 

It is also important not to dress funnier than your speech. I know of a comedian who came out in a pink tuxedo with pink shorts. The audience laughed for five minutes but the rest of his presentation flopped because no matter what he said he could not top his appearance.

I have seen speakers make this same mistake. They feel they have to come out in a funny costume or crazy hat to be funny. This looks amateurish. It might get a chuckle or two but usually detracts from the overall message the presenter is trying to make. If a funny costume is appropriate for you presentation, make sure the speech can top it.

 

 

Posted in Speaking, Professional Speaker, Personal Development, Speaking Tips | No Comments »

4 Steps to Taming the Stage Fright Demons

Wednesday, June 7th, 2006

Everyone gets a little nervous before they speak. It’s normal. When you are about to go on stage you adrenaline starts pumping, you start feeling butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms, dry throat, etc. In order to be funny you can’t let those feelings take over your body. So, how do you control that fear of getting on stage?

First – Preparation

The more you prepare your presentation the more relaxed you will be. When you have done your homework and know your material thoroughly it makes it easier to concentrate when the pressure is on. Think about those times in school when you didn’t study for an exam and made it much harder to concentrate. Speaking and doing humor is not much different.

Second – Stage Time

Nothing beats the jitters as much as getting up in front of an audience whenever you can. The more you subject yourself to an audience the easier it becomes. Think about something you tried it the easier it got. Speaking is the same. First time nerves tend to go away with experience. That’s why adrenaline junkies have to keep trying new and dangerous challenges. They are continually searching for that nervous rush (I guess some people enjoy that feeling.)

Third – Know Your Audience

I talked earlier about the importance of knowing your audience when preparing your humor. The more you know your audience, then the more your humor ill connect with them, and the easier it will be to get up in front of them.

Fourth – Relaxation Techniques

As you get up in front of an audience more you will start to develop your own techniques for relaxing. For some, taking deep breathes calms them. For others, alternating clenching and releasing their muscles does the trick. I tend to pace to get rid of nervous energy. Although, as an after dinner speaker, that can be difficult sometimes. Quite often I am sitting up at the head table and can’t excuse myself to go and pace. The good news is as long as I am prepared and have done my homework I don’t have the need to pace as much. And even though I tend to get nervous before I go on, once I am in front of the audience I start to relax.

When doing humor it is important to show a certain amount of confidence. In comedy clubs the audience can sense when a new comic is nervous and they react negatively. As a speaker you most likely won’t be heckled because you are nervous but an obvious lack of confidence makes it tougher to win the audience over and get them to laugh at your jokes.

Posted in Speaking, Professional Speaker, Personal Development, Speaking Tips | No Comments »

Smile And The World Smiles With You.

Monday, June 5th, 2006

“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” – Mother Teresa

There is an elderly gentleman in my neighborhood who sits at the edge of his garage every day. He smiles and waves to everyone passing by. If your window is down he says, “Hello,” or “Have a nice day.”  This seems like such an insignificant thing, but I look forward to seeing him out there, and on those days that I don’t see him it seems that I have missed something.

I think this world would be a better world if everyone smiled and waived to each other. I was walking from the parking area to my condo last night, when I walked by a lady going in the opposite direction. I smiled and said, “Hello.” She didn’t bother to look up or respond she just kept walking like she couldn’t be bothered.

These two people live in the same neighbor hood and yet two totally different attitudes. The elderly man appears to be happy and outgoing while the lady appears to be unhappy.

How many people do you walk by and yet they never make any kind of eye contact? Have we become a society of untrusting people? Are we too self involved that we can’t even take the time to smile and say hello? Do you smile and say hello or are you one of those that won’t look up when passing by someone?

Even in a place of business less and less people greet me with a smile. I would think that this would be foremost in job training. Teaching their employees to smile and greet the customer. And when they do it seems so forced, so phony. They are only communicating with the customer because they have to.

I must look like a grinning idiot to many people. I tend to smile a lot and say hello to most people. I love to make people smile.

Try this, for the next week every time somebody walks by you smile at them and say, “hello.” See how many people smile back. Who knows maybe you will make a new friend.

Posted in Positive Thinking, Personal Development | 1 Comment »